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Important Information for Surviving the SARS Outbreak

Posted 18 June 2013

From the office of the Center for Dis-Ease Control, 12 Bliksem Straat, Pretoria, South Africa

EPIDEMIOLOGICAL INFORMATION

Severe Anxiety from Revenue Services (SARS) is a common affliction affecting millions of South Africans in all major city centres every year. Historically, symptoms begin to present themselves in the winter season from 1 July and continue to increase in severity towards a statistical peak for the epidemic on 22 November every year. Both males and females are equally susceptible, though males are better at ignoring the presentation of symptoms while females can manage even multiple symptoms with ease. Susceptibility increases from age twenty throughout the working years and decreases to insignificant levels as patients approach the end of their natural lives.
NB: The incorrect management of SARS can leave victims suffering critical financial and sense of humour losses.

 SYMPTOMS

Infected patients presenting two or more of the below symptoms are said to be infected by the SARS:

  1. Increased anxiety, desperation, confusion and/or fear. Fear can become terror.
  2. Spasms and/or fainting when presented with numerical calculations (particularly financial).
  3. Unprovoked and unwarranted explosions of outrage toward government institutions.
  4. Wild, crazy eyes.
  5. An abnormal level of affection for paper documents. In some cases presents as hoarding.
  6. Increased blood pressure, unless standing within long queues of similarly infected individuals.
  7. Speech becomes unintelligible, littered with bizarre acronyms (typically “IRP5”, “IT3b”). In some cases frothing mouth.


The contents of this kit have been provided to you in order to survive the anticipated outbreak occurring this year from July 1st. Should you begin to present any of the symptoms above, immediately make use of the remedies included below.

SURVIVAL KIT

The Center for Dis-Ease Control has made the following kit available to you as a government-sponsored initiative to promote national wellbeing.

Inside the kit you will find:
Qty Code Description Purpose
1 x #MJ-J5 Facial mask Apply to face for your own safety should you be admitted to a governmental SARS treatment facility.
1 x #BAR1 Nutrient unit (404kJ, 3.9% of RDA) Eat in order to survive the long queues at governmental SARS treatment facilities.
1 x #2LAYT Calculator Calculate how many days of sanity you have left once infected by the SARS.
1 x #OMG1 Preventative capsule Open capsule for immediate relief of symptoms.

 TREATMENT

Should you be reading this communication in electronic form and do not have access to a SARS survival kit as described, please visit www.TaxTim.com in your internet browser now for immediate relief of symptoms.

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Started in 2011 by Cape Town entrepreneurs Evan Robinson and Marc Sevitz and funded initially by Google, TaxTim is the fastest, easiest way to complete your tax return all on your own. Simply answer simple questions (no tax jargon) one-by-one in a chat with our virtual tax assistant Tim and he will instantly fill out your income tax return form for you with everything in the right place. By doing your return right first time, you can enjoy reduced potential penalties and a maximum tax refund! Now available in English, Afrikaans, isiXhosa and isiZulu on PC and mobile.

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SUMMARY

It is important to know that treatment is available and one must never attempt to deal with SARS on their own. We hope this information has been useful. Have a good day.



Try our new Tax Refund calculator to see how much you'll be getting back from SARS.

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